Successful Negotiation is a Confidence Game

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Topics: Negotiating

     By Jack Miller

     When I was about 6 years old, I was afraid to try to swim. I sank like a rock every time I picked my feet up off the ground. So my Uncle took me out in a rowboat and threw me out of it into water that was over my head. In a sink or swim situation, I learned to swim. Fast! Then I discovered something odd. Once I gained the confidence to start swimming, I couldn't sink anymore. I couldn't remain under water without effort. I automatically bobbed to the surface. What caused this phenomenon? Confidence. As long as I believed I couldn't swim, I couldn't. Once I believed I could, I could. This same principal applies to successful negotiation. You've got to really believe that you can get what you want out of a deal before you start. Learning to do this isn't easy, but it's something that everyone can attain with effort.

     In any situation, the first person you have to negotiate with is yourself. Beware. This is the point at which most would-be negotiators fail. Instead of convincing themselves that they can succeed, they do the opposite. They imagine having their offer turned down by the other party, and intimidate themselves out of asking for a better deal. The more successful negotiators automatically presume they will carry the day and wind up with the concessions they want. How does one go about doing this? Think about it this way. Suppose you were trying to do a high jump. The lower you set the bar, the more certain that you'll succeed, but the less you'll accomplish if you win. The higher you set the bar, the more you'll accomplish, but the more you'll risk failure. You'll never know how good you could have been without taking the change of failing. So, to succeed, you have to screw up your courage and jump into the fray, win or lose, to learn to learn how to deal with rejection.

     To be a successful negotiator, you've got to be willing to risk something to gain a concession. That's where a lot of people fall down when buying houses. They don't want to go to all the trouble of filling out a contract because down deep inside they think it won't be accepted and they'll have wasted all their time and effort. That's often why, when they make a verbal offer, it is often rejected because the offeree has a hard time taking a verbal offer seriously when it's obvious that the person making the offer doesn't have enough confidence in it to even write it down. The lack of optimism and commitment on the part of the buyer thus seems to be vindicated when his half-hearted verbal offer is not taken seriously even by a motivated seller. Unknowingly, the buyer has sown the seeds of his own failure by not investing more effort in the transaction.

     Down South we use a technique called 'spittin and whittlin'. This is derived from the practice of spending long hours getting to know a person prior to attempting to engage in a transaction. A long time ago, I was in Hong Kong trying to buy Irish Linens from a Chinese trading company. The first thing they did was to escort me into a back lounge where they set up drinks all around and asked about my self (a favorite subject of mine). Where I was from. My family. How I was enjoying my visit. What I was going to do with what I bought. My costs in traveling half way around the world to Hong Kong. My disappointment if I was unable to make a deal and return empty handed. My chagrin at having to report failure to those for whom I was buying. The reasonableness of paying their price. You can see them slowly easing me into a conciliatory stance prior to entering into any discussion of price, quality, delivery dates, etc.

     Americans always seem to be in a hurry. We tend to want to conclude every negotiation as swiftly as possible. Those wise Chinese merchants knew that the use of time to slow things down and to gradually sway me to their point of view would be repaid many times over when we finally got down to business. And it was. I bought too much and paid too much. Of course that was a long way from here and wouldn't apply in America; right? Hang around a Country Club for a while and see how many business deals are concluded for big dollars in a casual atmosphere of congenial bantering. Or a yacht club. Or a hunt club. Or at an executive retreat. Or at a private box in a football stadium. Or at the horse races. People are easier to deal with when they're comfortable with each other, in a relaxed environment. A lot of houses are bought around the kitchen table.

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